Thursday, June 30, 2011

At my eye appointment today, Doc says I have really healthy eyes. The healthiest she has seen all day. (I wonder about the folks she sees) My eyes drive me crazy. I have had perfect vision my whole life until I hit 40. Weird how it hit me at 40. Now I can't read the toaster buttons or a text message. But she doesn't need to see me for another 3 or 4 yrs. Normal aging she says. UGH!!!! 

Young people see and hear the world so clearly and take it for granted. Maybe that is why they know everything. The world still makes sense to them. Or at least they think it does. 

As we age the world gets a little hazier, noise seems like just that, noise. Things start to make less sense. We see things less clearly more crazy. Some of us get more paranoid, more worried. Others start caring less. Doing things they are entitled to or feel they are entitled to. Steve says "when he is old (like he isn't already), he will answer the door in his boxers" I am just glad to hear he will at least have on boxers. 

As I consider bifocals, I remember being able to see things clearly. I remember the world making more sense. We lived in the bliss of youth. Never considering that we too will age.(Hopefully)  "Youth is wasted on the young" I don't know who said this but how true. We think we are immortal. Our lives stretch out before seemingly endlessly.

As we age that begins to change. Somethings,  we see so clearly now, we recognize what is truly important. 

I will not go quietly into the night, I will go screaming, yelling, laughing, dancing and loving!!!! At least I hope to not go quietly. I am not one of those thrill seekers. I don't feel the need to jump off a building or a cliff. I don't have any desire to run a marathon. I like what I like and don't like what I don't like. For me, live music is the best. I can't understand those who can sit and listen to music. (Unless it is a symphony of course) If I am at an outdoor concert with live energetic music, it is impossible to sit still. To dance the night away is my thrill.

As you begin to need glasses more and more. As you begin to say "What" more and more. As you begin to look as confused as you feel, May you enjoy what this crazy mixed up loud world has to offer.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

This blog is in two parts. Today was an important day for two reasons. As you all know it was Father's Day and  22 yrs ago on fathers day my sister body was found. 
Both events are significant somewhat obviously.

Let me start with Father's Day. First of all, I grew up without a Father. So what is a Father? This was something I had to learn as an adult. I knew the images of what a father should be and I had dreams of having a real father. 
My father and mother divorced when I was a baby. I never knew my dad, I met him once when I was 13 or 14. He died shortly after that. 
As an adult, I have been extremely lucky to have some great men in my life. Starting with Steve. Watching him with our kids is truly inspiring. He is such a great dad.  I don't think my kids realize how lucky they are. There was always a sense of melancholy watching him because I never had that. On the other hand, as I developed a personal relationship with Jesus, I found another more perfect Father. At that point, I truly felt the love of a Father. I know that sounds cliche, for me it is real.
As I grew in my faith I also began to realize there are lots of good men. Good fathers and good men who teach us, guide us, protect us and love us. Some are fathers in the biological or family sense. Some are men who love those around them, like Priests, Ministers, Doctors, Teachers etc....  
St Joseph and his story came to mind as one of these men. He loved God and he loved Mary. He was willing to give up his life and do what was needed for this young pregnant woman. Joseph quietly protected them, raised Jesus with true love and devotion. 
St Joseph has become my patron saint. I often ask him to pray for the needs of me and my family. Through the intercession of St Joseph, I have forgiven my father. I know that he struggled with his own demons. If given the choice I know he would also have wanted to be a real family. He didn't know how. I pray that he has found peace and rest in the arms of Christ. 

On to a sadder note, today I remember that fateful day 22yrs ago. 
Steve and I standing in his dad's driveway loading the car to leave after celebrating Father's Day. I was so worried about Rosie, who had been missing since Tues. Steve said "when she turns up you are going to be so mad at her for worrying you like this."  I had so hoped he was right.

Later that night, we were sitting on the couch watching the news. A story came on about a young woman, a teenager, found dead in an apartment on Toledo and Junction. Just after the story finished the phone rang. It was someone who knew my sister was missing, asking if I had seen the story. I said yes, but it was a teenager. The phone rang again right after that call. This time the world stopped. It was my brother, Jimmy, asking if I had seen the news. I told him it was a teenager, couldn't be Rosie. Jimmy said "the apartment they showed was Juan's house". I felt a hole open and I fell in. Him and my mom were going the police station because they couldn't get any answers on the phone. So we waited. I begged, I pleaded and I bargained as I waited.  I don't remember what time the call came, I don't even remember who it was. I just remember crumbling on the couch in tears. "Are you sure?" "They said it was a teenager" "Are you sure?" 

Danny was turning 4 in a few days and Mandy was 2. Steve sent them somewhere, not sure where. We went to my mom's house. I remember just sitting on the couch and crying. Every time the phone would ring, every time someone would stop by, every time my mom would say "It was Rosie" "Rosie's dead" tears, tears and more tears. Ruthie stormed in and was hysterical. "No Becky, tell me he didn't do this to her, not Rosie, not Rosie!!!!" More tears. 

There was activity, funeral plans, obituaries and notifications happening. I did none of it. I just cried as things were happening. I was no help for anyone, not even my kids. To this day I don't know who made everything happen, I guess my mom and Jimmy. 

It is weird how I remember somethings so vividly and others nothing. I remember, a day or days later, sitting in the car outside of a drug store on the way to the funeral. I had a dress on. Steve ran in to get something for me, I don't know what. But I was looking around at the people on the street, just going about their daily life. I wanted to get out of the car and yell at them all. "DON'T YOU KNOW, DON'T YOU REALIZE, ROSIE IS GONE. HOW CAN YOU JUST GO ON LIKE NOTHING111111"

It is still so painful to remember. It still hurts as much. Time doesn't heal, but it does make you sane again to live. I still miss her very much. Rest in Pease Rose Marie Woolwine!!

Friday, June 17, 2011

If you watch the news, you would think the biggest issues we face are; whether or not to raise the debt ceiling, republicans vs democrats, Weiner or Arnold stuff etc....

On the other hand, as I talk to friends and neighbors, those things, while some are important, aren't the real issues. These are minor in comparison. 

Some of us are facing tough issues and challenges.  When you are talking to someone you know or meet someone new, be open to where or who they are. Don't assume you know what they have been through or are going through. 
I know we hear it all the time. 

I try to step back from my own issues and listen to what others are going through. People I am currently praying for are dealing with some big issues. Substance abuse, death and dying, suicide, childhood trauma, mental illness, justice and forgiveness. And this is just skimming the surface. I pray daily, right now, for someone specific dealing with each of these issues and more.

I know it comes easier for some. Others of us have to try. We are very egocentric, naturally self centered. We can get so caught up in our own, we forget others are struggling too

Maybe it is easier to dive into politics and tv sensationalism then to deal with real people and real problems. I know how hard it is to know what to say and what to do. For me, I simply try, although imperfectly, to just be there and listen. I offer my ear for listening, my shoulder for crying and my heart in prayer. When it gets right down to it, that is all I have. 

I have had numerous people come up to me and say "I saw you on tv..."  After this it can be awkward, neither one of us know what to say.  But that is ok, I appreciate the good thoughts and sentiments, no matter how awkward.

True friendship and growth can happen when you are truly open.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Do you pray? I do
Do I pray when it is stormy but forget to pray when it is sunny?
Unfortunately yes.
I work everyday on improving my prayer life, just like I work everyday on my health and fitness. 

The past few weeks were hard internally; emotionally. It was one of the few times I asked for prayers for myself and my family. I know it was hard for many of us. I felt the prayers, I felt the power.

Some dear friends sent me a prayer blanket and a beautiful handmade rosary. The prayer blanket ministry prays for those who receive the blankets. I am so grateful, the more prayers the better. A world full of prayer warriors would be an awesome thing!

Not much in this world can we control. No matter how hard we try. Sometimes all we have is our prayers. 

I believe our prayers are answered. Sometimes the answer is no, sometimes yes and sometimes not now. 

Who are we praying to and do they hear us? Yes!

I believe in God. I believe He came to earth as Jesus Christ, to bridge the gap between the divine and human. He came to offer me(and you) salvation. For me(and you) He suffered, died, was buried and rose from the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit. God presence here on earth today.

As I pray, I offer all of me, very simply and humbly. I acknowledge the Holy Trinity (Father, Son and Holy Spirit). I acknowledge my failures. I have not done or been all that Christ wants. I humbly apologize. I am thankful for all the blessings I have. And all that I have been given. Finally I offer all of my troubles, worries and needs. I offer prayers for those around me. God knows our needs, wants and desires, I offer all of these to Him.

I will continue to pray. I ask all of those reading this to pray. No matter where you are in your faith journey. No matter where you are in your life. None of that matters. Like they say "come as you are". God's love is truly unconditional. If you are just quiet not even knowing what to say or do, just being. That is a start. Where to go from there is easy and you will know. 

All of you are in my prayers, I humbly ask that you include me in yours.

God Bless!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

First of all, let me say that if this blog seems a little dark that wasn't my intention. I write from where I am at a particular time. What I see, feel and think.

Right now i think, life is tough. We all get battered and bruised. Not one of us gets through unscathed. Some seemingly deal with major trauma, cuts that run deep. Scars that take time to heal. The mother that loses a child, the child that loses a parent. Some people are traumatized beyond comprehension. 
At times, it all seems pointless and random. I don't mean that in a dire way, more a factual way. If you are going to be affected by trauma, there isn't much you can do. Very fatalistic or a fatalism philosophy, I guess.

But I am not fatalist. I do believe in free will. I believe we make choices in this life that affect not only our course but the course of others. I don't know and may never know how these two work. 

A great priest once said "you can't control how you feel but you can control how you act".  You can't always control what this life is going to throw your way, but you can control how you handle it. How you let it effect you. 

What do you choose to see? A somber funeral for a young man so lost as to take his own life, yes absolutely and how sad.  But I also see a tremendous outpouring of love and support for his family. People standing in line for hours to let his mother know she is not alone. 

As my family was profiled on national television, I felt very exposed and still do. It is tough for me to let people in, but the outpouring of love, support and prayers has been incredible. 

Everything we go through in this life makes us who we are. Every scar, every cut, every bruise and every joy, every blessing, every sparkling moment, join together to make us who we are. We are all unique in what we go through, what we deal with. But we are all the same in wanting to be loved and supported.